I feel like a kid lol its 3am im sitting here doodling in my scrapbook bout some trivial ish and come to think of it I've always been this way, thru out this search of self discovery I have learned that I will always start something worthwhile a book or whatever it may be ill get it 75% done then I drop it like yesterdays paper. I go thru notebooks and notebooks of bullshit that I've wrote in penciled in my diaries or journals or drawings. I wonder why I never finish it? I usually grow tired or bored with it or my mind stirs with too many ideas for me to do it all at the speed im thinking it or jus plain lazy to finish it... lol.. People ask me why im so quiet and I don't think im quiet but then again thinking to myself doesn't count as socializing or talking lol... I sit around observing and its like a blogging archive in my head but its going toooooo fast for me to write so ill never get em down for me to look back on. Pooba says im too much a hippie that even hippies spend more on themselves instead of others. Since I try to give my all. but I don't agree. There's a lot of things that can be done without spending. Might not be the high life or luxurious things but it can still be rewarding and fulfilling to the heart. I love to cook I used to be a professional chef at this dine in shop for 3years and all those years in school for it. Ill cook for anyone that means anything to me or those I love. I love the challenge the thrill of what goes with what how it'll come out im always inventing new dishes funny thing is few people know I cook. Even fewer ppl ever tasted stuff I've made. alongside cooking I am an awesome baker. I am so talented in so many areas I feel so blessed but I never refined any of these gifts. Only 2 ppl in the world know I can sing I never took it to the next level though bcuz I know reality wake up im not being pessimistic jus being real im not the best looking chick in the world so I wud have to be hitting o d high notes to get signed... I can draw/paint/sew my ass off but no one would ever know. I have a portfolio but it'll never amount to anything. I am a videogame and anime addict but more the videogames but no one wud ever know. And no one needs to know unless they truly want to. There's more to me that meets the eye. I jus need to focus or ill never finish what I want to do whatever it is my silly heart desires. I got so many secrets to me I haven't even figured them out myself. Everyone is a blessing a mystery a book of wonders. Everyone is special but no one ever treats themselves as so. Everymoment should be appreciated and cherished. I've been thru many near death experiences and im only 21 to be overlooking what u normal ppl consider bullshit. So me and Pooba are on the good up and up im really surprised that we've made it this far I feel so happy that we've made it thru all the rocky roads and bumps and hurricanes........ On July 20, 2009 at 245pm Darren declared us his Ace Boon Coon (ABC for short) ; I stab pooba gorilla punches and Cory drives. :) YAY ^_^ LOL...
Lots of people hate me dislike me bcuz im not your average asian following trends doing what everyone else is doing they don't like me bcuz I date out my race they don't like me bcuz im different thru-out this whole time since we came back from the Suite with Darren I hadda search thru me fighting myself in my head bcuz I was made to feel like I don't deserve to be here along with people making me feel like im not allowed to be human because they grew up ignorant where asians had to look toothpick skinny and date asians and like asian things. I refuse to give in. My family hates me cuz I refuse to be a gold digger. Ironic but meh. U don't know my situation u can't judge me. Me and Pooba fought with each other bcuz of other people trying to tear us apart. No one understands what I go thru walking by myself or with him down Flushing Queens. The dirty stares. People spitting on me. People harassing me. Following me. Ridiculing me. Throwing garbage at me. How could u know how I feel. Pooba confronted me asking me where my confidence went. I went from spunky redhead that didn't care about what anyone else thought to letting these losers get me down. But what he doesn't understand is I don't care what they think I just want to be left alone. There's a huge difference. I jus want to be left alone its not that hard I come from Jamaica Queens 11421 I lived there for about 10 years went to a all white skool from 2nd to 8th grade where I was ridiculed for being asians I had no friends and I didn't care. Call me a loser but get to know me a bit and ull change your mind. Everyday afterskool was go straight home to do homework and tons of chores that not even adults do to this day. Then when I turned 8 my folks bought a place and made me work. Where I lived at in Jamaica ppl got shot for stares let alone gettin spit on. Ppl were always getting robbed or jumped. I was always a loner. Never felt like I belong anywhere. 10th grade I moved to VA where I never understood it but it was instant popularity jus for bein from nyc. We'll talkbout that another day.... I jus want to be invisible like I once was... left alone by ppl... I know im not in this world to be liked im here to survive and people will hate me for no reason but damn leave me alone go hate on me some where else. Jus leave me alone. Its not a matter of if I care what they think its not a matter of if im ashamed of u cuz if I was ever ashamed I wuda jus left. I jus want to be left alone its like nothing bothers u til it comes to your attention jus imagine u walkin with ur girl or ur man and u get spit on or given dirty looks or they point laugh stare and follow u no matter the situation it'll be brought to your attention. While Pooba was never around when anyone did more than jus dirty looks that doesn't mean they never happened I may not be the prettiest girl out there but leave me alone I jus wanna be me and have my Pooba walk down the block with him without anyone harassing us. There's a huge difference. So maybe I did lose some confidence but I never ever felt ashamed of Pooba. I hold hands with him proudly everywhere. Why can't I be me and be left alone at the same time I don't need anyones approval I don't care jus leave me alone why why why? I am human too. u know its big when this 60year old asian is wearing bootyshorts wrinkly as fuckwit her coochie lips hanging out her bootyshorts that r only for young ppl and she 60 wearin it lookin like a whore and she throwin dirty looks at me shit bitch have u looked in the mirror??? Im 21 I might be fat but if I was to wear those it wud look wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy more right on me then it does a 60 yr old but I respect me too much to degrade myself to wearing so little. Take a walk in my shoes while you're worrying bout other races thinkin cuz ur black ur gonna rob em and they shake in fear, no one wud spit on u or give u dirty looks unless they looking to fight. If I was to fight I know for sure I would win but I wud end up having to fight my whole race even if its one at a time. U say u know when ur race don't shun u for being bigger than most thicker than most or dating out ur race. My whole race shun me for being me. I don't even care but don't even try to compare. U and my situations are worlds apart. My blood family hate me cuz I am not a gold digger I destroyed their chance of getting rich at my expense cuz to this day they're still trying to set me up with a chink... no bitch~ im happy with Pooba. There was a few that was gonna give my folks close to over a mil jus to marry me I declined. So what im not gonna be with someone jus cuz they're rich that's not who I am. I jus want to be me as weird or crazy or plain I can be let me be me and jus leave me alone. Why do I have to struggle so much for the most simplest things in life? I don't want a house don't want my own car don't want extra luxuries I jus want my Pooba, a small place with my Pooba my own career doesn't have to be anything big my own little family with my Pooba and groceries to cook, and to show Pooba all the love I have for him so that he feels completely loved that he's drowning it my love. Most important of all the journey to it is what I enjoy the most. Having it all means nothing unless u are with your soulmate and u know that yall got there together and every moment is appreciated accounted for and can be reflected back upon to laugh cry and share of all the hardships embarrassing moments and happy memories. People misunderstand me a lot. but thats jus me. i dont intend on changing
i had more in my mind but..... its been so long since august 10th i forgot......... lol im hostile rite now...but yea this was how i was feelin august 10 at 3am
Monday, August 10, 2009
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