I feel like a kid lol its 3am im sitting here doodling in my scrapbook bout some trivial ish and come to think of it I've always been this way, thru out this search of self discovery I have learned that I will always start something worthwhile a book or whatever it may be ill get it 75% done then I drop it like yesterdays paper. I go thru notebooks and notebooks of bullshit that I've wrote in penciled in my diaries or journals or drawings. I wonder why I never finish it? I usually grow tired or bored with it or my mind stirs with too many ideas for me to do it all at the speed im thinking it or jus plain lazy to finish it... lol.. People ask me why im so quiet and I don't think im quiet but then again thinking to myself doesn't count as socializing or talking lol... I sit around observing and its like a blogging archive in my head but its going toooooo fast for me to write so ill never get em down for me to look back on. Pooba says im too much a hippie that even hippies spend more on themselves instead of others. Since I try to give my all. but I don't agree. There's a lot of things that can be done without spending. Might not be the high life or luxurious things but it can still be rewarding and fulfilling to the heart. I love to cook I used to be a professional chef at this dine in shop for 3years and all those years in school for it. Ill cook for anyone that means anything to me or those I love. I love the challenge the thrill of what goes with what how it'll come out im always inventing new dishes funny thing is few people know I cook. Even fewer ppl ever tasted stuff I've made. alongside cooking I am an awesome baker. I am so talented in so many areas I feel so blessed but I never refined any of these gifts. Only 2 ppl in the world know I can sing I never took it to the next level though bcuz I know reality wake up im not being pessimistic jus being real im not the best looking chick in the world so I wud have to be hitting o d high notes to get signed... I can draw/paint/sew my ass off but no one would ever know. I have a portfolio but it'll never amount to anything. I am a videogame and anime addict but more the videogames but no one wud ever know. And no one needs to know unless they truly want to. There's more to me that meets the eye. I jus need to focus or ill never finish what I want to do whatever it is my silly heart desires. I got so many secrets to me I haven't even figured them out myself. Everyone is a blessing a mystery a book of wonders. Everyone is special but no one ever treats themselves as so. Everymoment should be appreciated and cherished. I've been thru many near death experiences and im only 21 to be overlooking what u normal ppl consider bullshit. So me and Pooba are on the good up and up im really surprised that we've made it this far I feel so happy that we've made it thru all the rocky roads and bumps and hurricanes........ On July 20, 2009 at 245pm Darren declared us his Ace Boon Coon (ABC for short) ; I stab pooba gorilla punches and Cory drives. :) YAY ^_^ LOL...
Lots of people hate me dislike me bcuz im not your average asian following trends doing what everyone else is doing they don't like me bcuz I date out my race they don't like me bcuz im different thru-out this whole time since we came back from the Suite with Darren I hadda search thru me fighting myself in my head bcuz I was made to feel like I don't deserve to be here along with people making me feel like im not allowed to be human because they grew up ignorant where asians had to look toothpick skinny and date asians and like asian things. I refuse to give in. My family hates me cuz I refuse to be a gold digger. Ironic but meh. U don't know my situation u can't judge me. Me and Pooba fought with each other bcuz of other people trying to tear us apart. No one understands what I go thru walking by myself or with him down Flushing Queens. The dirty stares. People spitting on me. People harassing me. Following me. Ridiculing me. Throwing garbage at me. How could u know how I feel. Pooba confronted me asking me where my confidence went. I went from spunky redhead that didn't care about what anyone else thought to letting these losers get me down. But what he doesn't understand is I don't care what they think I just want to be left alone. There's a huge difference. I jus want to be left alone its not that hard I come from Jamaica Queens 11421 I lived there for about 10 years went to a all white skool from 2nd to 8th grade where I was ridiculed for being asians I had no friends and I didn't care. Call me a loser but get to know me a bit and ull change your mind. Everyday afterskool was go straight home to do homework and tons of chores that not even adults do to this day. Then when I turned 8 my folks bought a place and made me work. Where I lived at in Jamaica ppl got shot for stares let alone gettin spit on. Ppl were always getting robbed or jumped. I was always a loner. Never felt like I belong anywhere. 10th grade I moved to VA where I never understood it but it was instant popularity jus for bein from nyc. We'll talkbout that another day.... I jus want to be invisible like I once was... left alone by ppl... I know im not in this world to be liked im here to survive and people will hate me for no reason but damn leave me alone go hate on me some where else. Jus leave me alone. Its not a matter of if I care what they think its not a matter of if im ashamed of u cuz if I was ever ashamed I wuda jus left. I jus want to be left alone its like nothing bothers u til it comes to your attention jus imagine u walkin with ur girl or ur man and u get spit on or given dirty looks or they point laugh stare and follow u no matter the situation it'll be brought to your attention. While Pooba was never around when anyone did more than jus dirty looks that doesn't mean they never happened I may not be the prettiest girl out there but leave me alone I jus wanna be me and have my Pooba walk down the block with him without anyone harassing us. There's a huge difference. So maybe I did lose some confidence but I never ever felt ashamed of Pooba. I hold hands with him proudly everywhere. Why can't I be me and be left alone at the same time I don't need anyones approval I don't care jus leave me alone why why why? I am human too. u know its big when this 60year old asian is wearing bootyshorts wrinkly as fuckwit her coochie lips hanging out her bootyshorts that r only for young ppl and she 60 wearin it lookin like a whore and she throwin dirty looks at me shit bitch have u looked in the mirror??? Im 21 I might be fat but if I was to wear those it wud look wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy more right on me then it does a 60 yr old but I respect me too much to degrade myself to wearing so little. Take a walk in my shoes while you're worrying bout other races thinkin cuz ur black ur gonna rob em and they shake in fear, no one wud spit on u or give u dirty looks unless they looking to fight. If I was to fight I know for sure I would win but I wud end up having to fight my whole race even if its one at a time. U say u know when ur race don't shun u for being bigger than most thicker than most or dating out ur race. My whole race shun me for being me. I don't even care but don't even try to compare. U and my situations are worlds apart. My blood family hate me cuz I am not a gold digger I destroyed their chance of getting rich at my expense cuz to this day they're still trying to set me up with a chink... no bitch~ im happy with Pooba. There was a few that was gonna give my folks close to over a mil jus to marry me I declined. So what im not gonna be with someone jus cuz they're rich that's not who I am. I jus want to be me as weird or crazy or plain I can be let me be me and jus leave me alone. Why do I have to struggle so much for the most simplest things in life? I don't want a house don't want my own car don't want extra luxuries I jus want my Pooba, a small place with my Pooba my own career doesn't have to be anything big my own little family with my Pooba and groceries to cook, and to show Pooba all the love I have for him so that he feels completely loved that he's drowning it my love. Most important of all the journey to it is what I enjoy the most. Having it all means nothing unless u are with your soulmate and u know that yall got there together and every moment is appreciated accounted for and can be reflected back upon to laugh cry and share of all the hardships embarrassing moments and happy memories. People misunderstand me a lot. but thats jus me. i dont intend on changing
i had more in my mind but..... its been so long since august 10th i forgot......... lol im hostile rite now...but yea this was how i was feelin august 10 at 3am
Monday, August 10, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Another Longass post about Men, Racism at its worst and Me Ranting about shit...
Im UN-TAME-ABLE no matter what u got where u going in life and who u think u are. :D
Many people been trying to holler at me lately and idk what's up, men are controlling, I don't like that. I was on the train and I was goin to see Pooba and this dude stands next to me was like hey u come here often? Um no bitch I don't come here often but ofcourse I didn't say that I said do u use these lame pickup lines often? And walked off so he grabs my arm. How u walk up to me trying to flirt with me and when I ignore u and walk off u grab my arm??? Bitch I don't know u, get the fuck off me. Like im flattered but don't put ur grubby hands on me. If I already didn't like u grabbing my arm won't make any woman like u more better. Almost nothing pissed me off more than some stranger tryna get with u grabbing u no matter where they grabbing. Don't touch me >o<"! That was this week and 3 diff guys... I got the worst luck like damn can't u ppl leave methe fuck alone??? Last week some dude pulled up in a car beeped the horn at me im thinkin its one of those Lincoln cabs so I didn't pay it no mind for 2 blocks this dude beeping so im annoyed I turn around I was like what? And this guy says excuse me I don't mean to bother u but I jus wanna let u know you're lookin beautiful... im like wtf is this nigga beeping for 2 blocks jus to tell me some lame shit? But I didn't say that I said thanks and walked away he screams wait u wanna ride with me? So I said what am I stupid? And bizzzzounced. Hestarted screaming after me talking bout u don't like my car? Lets go shopping. Dudes are so weird I swear. I don't know u y wud I get in your car? Do I got dumb cunt written on my forehead? No I don't. I don't even get in my friends cars its strictly family and a very selected few. No offense people but I don't give a flying fuck who u think u r what u got or where ur going in life but im UN-TAME-ABLE, and unOBTAINABLe, and u may think im cocky or got it all. no I don't. No im not. You could be Fefe dobson, Demi Lovato, Eminem, The-Dream, Avril, or Britney and I wud still say "wtf u want?" and those r my fave celebrities, your materialistic-ness and status obsession is so beneath me. I feel so sick to my stomach of people that jus base everything off of what you're wear what brands who u know what u can do in bed. Maybe everyone else cares but don't bother me with that shit. U may think im shallow but end result I jus wanna be left alone. Even before Pooba came along, im social but im indoorsy. U ppl can't offer me what I want. Pooba knows what I want :) frankly I don't care if ur a millionaire I go by my gut intuition. I've been there when he had when he didn't have it I don't want everything to be handed to me. I wanna work my way up with my Pooba. I've been with dudes that had a car that had their own crib that had a shitload of money. Its not what I want. I've had it all before and I've had to work for it all 16hours a day 5bucks an hour 6days a week. Working for it made me appreciate it a ton more. Hard times come and go ull cry ull break things ull be angry but when u achieve it u can enjoy it. Me and Pooba been makin it work for about 4 years now. Go ahead flash your money/jewelry/materialisticness at me I honestly don't care bcuz what I got money can't buy. Yall can't afford me baby im un-tame-able~ u can't control me thru materialisticness / money all have tried and all have failed.
I was pretty pissed yesterday when a supposed friend of mine tried to control me thru money ok yea? I paid u back, why u bringing it up for? I don't talk to u bcuz of money I don't not talk to u bcuz of money that got nothing to do with why I haven't called or responded your messages like damn I have a life too maybe im such a bitch for saying that but I need my personal space too. Im goin thru tons of bullshit left and right I don't got time for ppl like I used to. And you go about screaming at me thru aim talking mad shit. If u were truly my friend u would understand ok im grieving right now ok I got mafia parents that aint shit and im completely stressed out can I get some time to myself??? Its not like I don't talk to u at all bcuz when I get the time I message u to see how everything is going. Last time I check im not your woman don't come at me like that and I won't cut u out my life. No I don't think im the shit my confidence can use some work but I got self respect. A good amount too. I may not have me all figured out but I know what I am not. I got morals out the ass and I will fight u to keep em.
Lately I been really really violent in my mind ofcourse... I hate Asian people so damn much. Yea Im Asian but im not one of you people. Everywhere I go that has Asian people there makes me sooooooooooooo angry. Simply put, IF YOU BEEN IN THIS HERE COUNTRY I WAS BORN AND RAISED HERE U WILL KNOW THAT THIS HERE COUNTRY IS VERY MULTI CULTURED THE MOST ETHNIC PLACE IN THIS HERE EARTH. NOW IF ASIAN AND U TALKIN BOUT THIS HERE COUNTRY IS BAD THEN GO BACK TO YOUR OWN CHINKs ASS COUNTRY. IF U ASIAN AND U LYING TO THE SYSTEM AND U DAMN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT AND U AINT DOIN SHIT TO GIVE BACK THEN GO BACK TO YOUR CHINKs ASS COUNTRY. IF U BEEN HERE FOR MORE THAN 7 YEARS AND AINT LEARNED A GOD DAMN LICK OF ENGLISH AND U AINT GONNA, THEN U SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR CHINKs LANGUAGED COUNTRY. IF U SEE AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE SUCH AS I AND MY POOBA AND U GIVE US DIRTY ASS LOOKS EXPECTIN US TO NOT GIVe U MIDDLE FINGERS OR CURSE U OUT bCUZ U CAN'T STAND TO WATCH A ROYAL PURE BLOOD MIXING WITH A MUTT THEN U NEED TO GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY WHERE U WILL SEE NOTHING BUT YOUR OWN YELLOW ASS FUCKING CHINKY ASS TALKING PEOPLE IN YOUR OWN GOD DAMN COUNTRY THAT U SO CALL LOVE SO DAMN MUCH SEEING AS I READ IN THE CHINKY NEWSPAPER THAT A POLL WAS TAKEN STATISTICS SAY IF THE US OF A DECLARED WAR WITH U CHINKY ASS COUNTRIES 97% OF ALL U WRINKLY BITCHES WILL GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY AND JOIN YALLS COUNTRY ARMY. WELL. IF YALL LOVE YALL COUNTRY SO DAMN MUCH GO THE FUCK HOME THEN WHY R U LEECHING OFF OUR SYSTEM??? U WON'T SEE NO NIGGAS HERE NO SPICS NO REDNECK CRACKAS NO MUTTS NO NOTHING THAT U CALL THESE PEOPLE U CAN GO BACK TO YOUR PRECIOUS SHITHOLE THAT U GOT A CHANCE TO ESCAPE AND U RAN FOR IT TO COME TO THIS HERE COUNTRY. IF YOUR SHIT IS SOOO MUCH BETTER Y R U MOTHA FUCKAS HERE FOR???? GO THE FUCK HOME!!!!!!!!!!! Jus because I like my kind so much ima go to school for immigration and ima jus deport all yall asses back. Who the fuck do u think u r giving me these foul looks when I pay American taxes all of it not a portion of it. All of yall make me sick. Everywhere I go all I hear is Asian ppl r not to mix with other races especially spics and niggas. When my friends come to visit me I get 1000 hour lectures on we Asian households don't welcome inferior races to our homes. What? Wtf? Do we all not bleed blood when cut? What makes u so much better??? If anything for every American 3 Asians make up for it. why? bCuz Asians are so over populated. Yall talk shit about how niggas and spics make babies then leave u and single parenting and all that shit but Asians have babies and put em in plastic bags to suffocated them so u won't have to raise them. Hamm if I had any logical sense at least they try to provide for what they made maybe not both sides but they don't kill innocent children. So why the fuck do u ppl come to this country that u supposedly hate so damn much and all your racism and shit when yall could be comfortable and not have to see another redneck crackas spic or nigga ever again. Get the fuck out of our country. I told pooba something today I said if the US of A went to war with China im enlisting in the USA army. Jus to kill off some of my own people and I won't have to go to jail makes perfect legal sense :-D im so sick and tired of u Asians lookin at me with disgust my life is none of your business I didn't ask yalls opinions but if yall gonna make faces and staring at us like we some delinquents and we are inferior. U gonna get some nasty feedbacks too. If Pooba didn't hold me back Id rip out the eye sockets of everyfucking one of u. Got a problem say something we can talk it out like adults but u wanna be pussies and stare then when we see u staring yall look away pretending that u didn't notice us to begin with. The popo better come and get me bcuz me in flushing queens where all u chinks are, its jus a count down...til I spaz.......it won't be pretty I promise... I know we all not here to get along but damn can u have the decency to leave me alone while u freaks see me out with my black husband its none of your business I am not ashamed of him. Im not gonna hide him. I am ashamed that I am asian. I hate ignorant asian people. And u say niggas are ignorant but guess what? When I walk down any other neighborhood we don't get any problems no stares no dirty looks nothing from any other races. Except asian neighborhoods. I don't need to explain shit to any of u. If u don't like it go back to your precious country yall bribed lied killed and scandeled into coming to the USA. God better not let me work for the irs or the immigration. I will deport all u nasty fucks back to your own country. Oh u think jus cuz I speak the same language ima let u off easy??? Bribes and all?? Naw bitch now u gettin deported and jail time. Feel the wrath of this scorn woman. Yall made me the way I am today and I have u to thank for my anger and inspiration to deport u ignorant close minded ass backwards super sneaky and un-American people. Its not that I don't like my people its just that what I've wrote so far makes plenty of sense and im American born and raised in this here NYC. its 2009 grow the fuck up. Can't live in the past forever. U walk a mile inmy shoes and see what its like to be constantly harassed bcuz im Chinese and im not super toothpick skinny that I actually have normal female body parts instead of bones and skin. And I have a black husband and the second we step in to asian bound areas im harassed to no ends causing me to be bitter and violent. We all jus wanna live our lives so why can't yall jus leave me alone??? Every fucking day I hear ranges of " your fat / your ugly / ur beneath us bcuz u got a nigga bf / nigga lover / why can't u b a normal asian / why can't u jus work and give us all your money for our retirement since we wasn't going to birth u but we did u a favor.... etc" the list goes on I struggle with my self being who I am every waking moment and I jus want to be left alone. I had videogames as my outlet MMORPGs and RPGs and shooting games. I don't know why im alive or here 95% of the time. I feel absolute misery bcuz all I wanted was to be left alone. When I got kicked out and stayed with uncle Darren most of June 2009 I was the happiest even with all the fights with Pooba. What couple don't fight/ argue? None. I felt freedom from hell for once in my life I was actually happi... im tired of the bullshit. If u ask me to give up my life to ressurect someone dear to my Pooba and she would come back completely healthy I would do it in a heartbeat jus so he could get his hug he wanted 14 years ago... I wouldn't regret it. But I can't...I've gone thru so much shit with my family.. They make me feel utterly impossible and so ugly. With all the shit they put me thru I don't know how it is I still feel some sort of compassion for them. I can't help it. As much as I hate it. Sometimes I feel like maybe death isn't so bad but my time isn't now. I don't know when it'll all end for me I've put up with so much and I still try my best and on here I pour my heart out as tears roll down my face whilst im writing this. Im grateful to have my A.B.C's being there for me physically mentally when I need them. And my inner circle. Totalling 3 people... I don't trust ppl easily and being around me isn't always easy but im grateful they stuck by me. I know my life isn't horrible. But I jus wanna know...when it'll all stop. When can I have quiet time where im not limited to just my family... that I can be with the people I trust and no words would need to be exchanged jus the trust and comfortableness reassures me that everything is ok and I am out of the jail my blood ties lock me in. I am nothing but a servant to them that they steal from lie to and treat like shit. I don't ask for much. Im very simple. And I don't change easily cuz I don't welcome change too much. When me and Pooba move, all I need is My Pooba, a big comfy blanket, a roof over my head, groceries to cook, and no rats/infestations/bugs of any sort. Nothing more. Ill block out the entire world outside my innercircle. Im as simple as they come.
Im so stressed out, I need a better job one that pays good im willing to put in the hours :( I put my resume in everywhere already x.x ughhhh somebody call me with a good offer please!!! >o<"! Well, im at 11 weeks and im in so much pain im constantly sore, constantly back feels like its gonna snap and I've been getting pains in my uterus I dunno what's going on but I hope everything is okay im doing my best to not stress out I really am >o<"! I jus carry a heavy burden of a nasty past I need to shake off... maybe someday I won't be in so much chaos.... maybe...
Many people been trying to holler at me lately and idk what's up, men are controlling, I don't like that. I was on the train and I was goin to see Pooba and this dude stands next to me was like hey u come here often? Um no bitch I don't come here often but ofcourse I didn't say that I said do u use these lame pickup lines often? And walked off so he grabs my arm. How u walk up to me trying to flirt with me and when I ignore u and walk off u grab my arm??? Bitch I don't know u, get the fuck off me. Like im flattered but don't put ur grubby hands on me. If I already didn't like u grabbing my arm won't make any woman like u more better. Almost nothing pissed me off more than some stranger tryna get with u grabbing u no matter where they grabbing. Don't touch me >o<"! That was this week and 3 diff guys... I got the worst luck like damn can't u ppl leave methe fuck alone??? Last week some dude pulled up in a car beeped the horn at me im thinkin its one of those Lincoln cabs so I didn't pay it no mind for 2 blocks this dude beeping so im annoyed I turn around I was like what? And this guy says excuse me I don't mean to bother u but I jus wanna let u know you're lookin beautiful... im like wtf is this nigga beeping for 2 blocks jus to tell me some lame shit? But I didn't say that I said thanks and walked away he screams wait u wanna ride with me? So I said what am I stupid? And bizzzzounced. Hestarted screaming after me talking bout u don't like my car? Lets go shopping. Dudes are so weird I swear. I don't know u y wud I get in your car? Do I got dumb cunt written on my forehead? No I don't. I don't even get in my friends cars its strictly family and a very selected few. No offense people but I don't give a flying fuck who u think u r what u got or where ur going in life but im UN-TAME-ABLE, and unOBTAINABLe, and u may think im cocky or got it all. no I don't. No im not. You could be Fefe dobson, Demi Lovato, Eminem, The-Dream, Avril, or Britney and I wud still say "wtf u want?" and those r my fave celebrities, your materialistic-ness and status obsession is so beneath me. I feel so sick to my stomach of people that jus base everything off of what you're wear what brands who u know what u can do in bed. Maybe everyone else cares but don't bother me with that shit. U may think im shallow but end result I jus wanna be left alone. Even before Pooba came along, im social but im indoorsy. U ppl can't offer me what I want. Pooba knows what I want :) frankly I don't care if ur a millionaire I go by my gut intuition. I've been there when he had when he didn't have it I don't want everything to be handed to me. I wanna work my way up with my Pooba. I've been with dudes that had a car that had their own crib that had a shitload of money. Its not what I want. I've had it all before and I've had to work for it all 16hours a day 5bucks an hour 6days a week. Working for it made me appreciate it a ton more. Hard times come and go ull cry ull break things ull be angry but when u achieve it u can enjoy it. Me and Pooba been makin it work for about 4 years now. Go ahead flash your money/jewelry/materialisticness at me I honestly don't care bcuz what I got money can't buy. Yall can't afford me baby im un-tame-able~ u can't control me thru materialisticness / money all have tried and all have failed.
I was pretty pissed yesterday when a supposed friend of mine tried to control me thru money ok yea? I paid u back, why u bringing it up for? I don't talk to u bcuz of money I don't not talk to u bcuz of money that got nothing to do with why I haven't called or responded your messages like damn I have a life too maybe im such a bitch for saying that but I need my personal space too. Im goin thru tons of bullshit left and right I don't got time for ppl like I used to. And you go about screaming at me thru aim talking mad shit. If u were truly my friend u would understand ok im grieving right now ok I got mafia parents that aint shit and im completely stressed out can I get some time to myself??? Its not like I don't talk to u at all bcuz when I get the time I message u to see how everything is going. Last time I check im not your woman don't come at me like that and I won't cut u out my life. No I don't think im the shit my confidence can use some work but I got self respect. A good amount too. I may not have me all figured out but I know what I am not. I got morals out the ass and I will fight u to keep em.
Lately I been really really violent in my mind ofcourse... I hate Asian people so damn much. Yea Im Asian but im not one of you people. Everywhere I go that has Asian people there makes me sooooooooooooo angry. Simply put, IF YOU BEEN IN THIS HERE COUNTRY I WAS BORN AND RAISED HERE U WILL KNOW THAT THIS HERE COUNTRY IS VERY MULTI CULTURED THE MOST ETHNIC PLACE IN THIS HERE EARTH. NOW IF ASIAN AND U TALKIN BOUT THIS HERE COUNTRY IS BAD THEN GO BACK TO YOUR OWN CHINKs ASS COUNTRY. IF U ASIAN AND U LYING TO THE SYSTEM AND U DAMN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT AND U AINT DOIN SHIT TO GIVE BACK THEN GO BACK TO YOUR CHINKs ASS COUNTRY. IF U BEEN HERE FOR MORE THAN 7 YEARS AND AINT LEARNED A GOD DAMN LICK OF ENGLISH AND U AINT GONNA, THEN U SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR CHINKs LANGUAGED COUNTRY. IF U SEE AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE SUCH AS I AND MY POOBA AND U GIVE US DIRTY ASS LOOKS EXPECTIN US TO NOT GIVe U MIDDLE FINGERS OR CURSE U OUT bCUZ U CAN'T STAND TO WATCH A ROYAL PURE BLOOD MIXING WITH A MUTT THEN U NEED TO GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY WHERE U WILL SEE NOTHING BUT YOUR OWN YELLOW ASS FUCKING CHINKY ASS TALKING PEOPLE IN YOUR OWN GOD DAMN COUNTRY THAT U SO CALL LOVE SO DAMN MUCH SEEING AS I READ IN THE CHINKY NEWSPAPER THAT A POLL WAS TAKEN STATISTICS SAY IF THE US OF A DECLARED WAR WITH U CHINKY ASS COUNTRIES 97% OF ALL U WRINKLY BITCHES WILL GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY AND JOIN YALLS COUNTRY ARMY. WELL. IF YALL LOVE YALL COUNTRY SO DAMN MUCH GO THE FUCK HOME THEN WHY R U LEECHING OFF OUR SYSTEM??? U WON'T SEE NO NIGGAS HERE NO SPICS NO REDNECK CRACKAS NO MUTTS NO NOTHING THAT U CALL THESE PEOPLE U CAN GO BACK TO YOUR PRECIOUS SHITHOLE THAT U GOT A CHANCE TO ESCAPE AND U RAN FOR IT TO COME TO THIS HERE COUNTRY. IF YOUR SHIT IS SOOO MUCH BETTER Y R U MOTHA FUCKAS HERE FOR???? GO THE FUCK HOME!!!!!!!!!!! Jus because I like my kind so much ima go to school for immigration and ima jus deport all yall asses back. Who the fuck do u think u r giving me these foul looks when I pay American taxes all of it not a portion of it. All of yall make me sick. Everywhere I go all I hear is Asian ppl r not to mix with other races especially spics and niggas. When my friends come to visit me I get 1000 hour lectures on we Asian households don't welcome inferior races to our homes. What? Wtf? Do we all not bleed blood when cut? What makes u so much better??? If anything for every American 3 Asians make up for it. why? bCuz Asians are so over populated. Yall talk shit about how niggas and spics make babies then leave u and single parenting and all that shit but Asians have babies and put em in plastic bags to suffocated them so u won't have to raise them. Hamm if I had any logical sense at least they try to provide for what they made maybe not both sides but they don't kill innocent children. So why the fuck do u ppl come to this country that u supposedly hate so damn much and all your racism and shit when yall could be comfortable and not have to see another redneck crackas spic or nigga ever again. Get the fuck out of our country. I told pooba something today I said if the US of A went to war with China im enlisting in the USA army. Jus to kill off some of my own people and I won't have to go to jail makes perfect legal sense :-D im so sick and tired of u Asians lookin at me with disgust my life is none of your business I didn't ask yalls opinions but if yall gonna make faces and staring at us like we some delinquents and we are inferior. U gonna get some nasty feedbacks too. If Pooba didn't hold me back Id rip out the eye sockets of everyfucking one of u. Got a problem say something we can talk it out like adults but u wanna be pussies and stare then when we see u staring yall look away pretending that u didn't notice us to begin with. The popo better come and get me bcuz me in flushing queens where all u chinks are, its jus a count down...til I spaz.......it won't be pretty I promise... I know we all not here to get along but damn can u have the decency to leave me alone while u freaks see me out with my black husband its none of your business I am not ashamed of him. Im not gonna hide him. I am ashamed that I am asian. I hate ignorant asian people. And u say niggas are ignorant but guess what? When I walk down any other neighborhood we don't get any problems no stares no dirty looks nothing from any other races. Except asian neighborhoods. I don't need to explain shit to any of u. If u don't like it go back to your precious country yall bribed lied killed and scandeled into coming to the USA. God better not let me work for the irs or the immigration. I will deport all u nasty fucks back to your own country. Oh u think jus cuz I speak the same language ima let u off easy??? Bribes and all?? Naw bitch now u gettin deported and jail time. Feel the wrath of this scorn woman. Yall made me the way I am today and I have u to thank for my anger and inspiration to deport u ignorant close minded ass backwards super sneaky and un-American people. Its not that I don't like my people its just that what I've wrote so far makes plenty of sense and im American born and raised in this here NYC. its 2009 grow the fuck up. Can't live in the past forever. U walk a mile inmy shoes and see what its like to be constantly harassed bcuz im Chinese and im not super toothpick skinny that I actually have normal female body parts instead of bones and skin. And I have a black husband and the second we step in to asian bound areas im harassed to no ends causing me to be bitter and violent. We all jus wanna live our lives so why can't yall jus leave me alone??? Every fucking day I hear ranges of " your fat / your ugly / ur beneath us bcuz u got a nigga bf / nigga lover / why can't u b a normal asian / why can't u jus work and give us all your money for our retirement since we wasn't going to birth u but we did u a favor.... etc" the list goes on I struggle with my self being who I am every waking moment and I jus want to be left alone. I had videogames as my outlet MMORPGs and RPGs and shooting games. I don't know why im alive or here 95% of the time. I feel absolute misery bcuz all I wanted was to be left alone. When I got kicked out and stayed with uncle Darren most of June 2009 I was the happiest even with all the fights with Pooba. What couple don't fight/ argue? None. I felt freedom from hell for once in my life I was actually happi... im tired of the bullshit. If u ask me to give up my life to ressurect someone dear to my Pooba and she would come back completely healthy I would do it in a heartbeat jus so he could get his hug he wanted 14 years ago... I wouldn't regret it. But I can't...I've gone thru so much shit with my family.. They make me feel utterly impossible and so ugly. With all the shit they put me thru I don't know how it is I still feel some sort of compassion for them. I can't help it. As much as I hate it. Sometimes I feel like maybe death isn't so bad but my time isn't now. I don't know when it'll all end for me I've put up with so much and I still try my best and on here I pour my heart out as tears roll down my face whilst im writing this. Im grateful to have my A.B.C's being there for me physically mentally when I need them. And my inner circle. Totalling 3 people... I don't trust ppl easily and being around me isn't always easy but im grateful they stuck by me. I know my life isn't horrible. But I jus wanna know...when it'll all stop. When can I have quiet time where im not limited to just my family... that I can be with the people I trust and no words would need to be exchanged jus the trust and comfortableness reassures me that everything is ok and I am out of the jail my blood ties lock me in. I am nothing but a servant to them that they steal from lie to and treat like shit. I don't ask for much. Im very simple. And I don't change easily cuz I don't welcome change too much. When me and Pooba move, all I need is My Pooba, a big comfy blanket, a roof over my head, groceries to cook, and no rats/infestations/bugs of any sort. Nothing more. Ill block out the entire world outside my innercircle. Im as simple as they come.
Im so stressed out, I need a better job one that pays good im willing to put in the hours :( I put my resume in everywhere already x.x ughhhh somebody call me with a good offer please!!! >o<"! Well, im at 11 weeks and im in so much pain im constantly sore, constantly back feels like its gonna snap and I've been getting pains in my uterus I dunno what's going on but I hope everything is okay im doing my best to not stress out I really am >o<"! I jus carry a heavy burden of a nasty past I need to shake off... maybe someday I won't be in so much chaos.... maybe...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
About me :D
im a nice person very quiet cuz u people dont understand me very talkative so u wont bother me very giving so u will walk all over me... im a very sensitive person im always here for my friends the lil bit of you that i call friends, in all actuality im a very loner type person i dont trust 98% of you fucking peoplez yes that does include everyone. im too honest for my own good those of u respect me more cuz i am so honest some of u hate me cuz u dont like what i say, but im down to earth and true to myself i dont need to act like anything for anyone, i dont need to look like a model cuz im already Beautiful inside & out, as for models i dont fuck 2 get far i work for everything i wanna get and im willin2 work 2get more things i wanna get & i definitely dont need 2 be wearin teeny tiny clothes 4 u 2 like me cuz u may look hot w/ya skimpy clothes &shit but i AM more BEAUTIFUL, i dun need sluttiness 2 showme off cuz im THAT good so FUCKOFF u ugly homewreckin haterz i dont giv a fuckin damn what u think of me im gonna be me if we kool, we kool im not gonna change myself for anyone cept for me to better myself. im not a fake friend if i know u & i see u in the outdoors ill smile and wave hi im not embarrassed by anything i am shy im not perfect im only human. i do make mistakes. im always sincere, if i dont feel like smilin or if im not a nice person im NOT gonna pretend.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
think u write a lot? think again... LOL
June 25,2009 - July 10, 2009 3:14pm
Buncha shit been goin on lately... lets see... Goodbyes are awful :( Uncle Darren left on the 5th of July so that he can be back in Germany by monday 8am :( we all had a lot of fun while it lasted :) I dunno bout everyone else but I know I had some decent memories there and a ton of fun :) I was really sad that time was up so fast I do kinda hoped we wuda all spent more time together. Pooba said he's leaving in September I hope he stays motivated to do so... Uncle Darren don't come back til December 24. So where did I leave off last time....ok yea Chelly left on the 20th of June she had almost missed her flight lol... blondes *rolls eyes* lol.. I was pretty sad when she left :( no more girly feminine time lol im not very girly lol so I suppose she opened a door a bit of trying to look purdy since I normally don't do much maintenance when it comes to outer beauty most ill do is straighten my hair some more and some chapstick lol.. I don't like heels but I can manage I suppose (had a bet with pooba a while back bout heels lol I won ^_^ the bet was I cudnt last a whole day out side wearin heels and I won but I was pretty bitchy the whole time cuz I always wear sneakers lol.. But yea...) I've always been ashamed to be a girl cuz all the shit that goes on in a female its.... frustrating... lol... along with growin up how I did my folks wanted a boy and here I am not a boy I am still bein punished for it to this day... u might think it can't be that bad but if u knew it wud make u grateful for how u guys were brought up but I can't really complain bcuz there are others that got it worse then me so I always thank God that I at least have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am so grateful for that. As you learn more about me u will notice that im a very simple girl I love videogames but all I really need is a roof over my head, food on the table my Pooba and a decent job to keep me sane. Im not materialistic I don't like to hold on to material items im independant and I rarely ask for anything cept for love friendship and honesty. Im not perfect I am sarcastic a lot and I have a temper for slow thinkin people or slow moving people. I grew up alwaysbeing rushed even when im already 2 hours early im still bein rushed... im well mannered always polite til u push my buttons then I start cursing worser than a sailor ^_^ u will come to luv me ^_^ lol... I do think my brain is floatin about 80% of the time so I got my Pooba here, he keeps me more grounded but he's always pushing me to lighten up cuz im always serious when im stressed out... I know how to have a good time I can be outgoing when I wanna be but mostly im indoorsy I love to cook I been cooking since I was reallly young and as I grew up I took a shitloada classes to perfect my culinar arts :) I loove to host and I like being around close trusted people. I had a lot of bad shit happen to me growing up I wud like to think I've grown stronger from all that.. I draw paint sketch sing but im a horrible dancer cuz im shy and im too anal to even try.. Lol... but other then that im usually one of the guys and that's how I like it :) seeing as to how most females are jus weird with their ton of make up and stuff... but yea.. Back on topic... shortly after chelly went home she found outshes about 3-4 weeks preggo and the child is going to be named Riley Khali Samuell. LOL. But that's only if its a boy lol.. We was all pretty surprised that she was still preggo since she had to get her stomach pumped for doin rash things in the heat of the moment even if it was unbearable :( she really had us scared.... I met some new people, observed some interestly weird moments... Pooba and Uncle Darren was always pouncing each other and chasing each other lols. We all drank on 4th of July and they sang and acted stupid all night lol.. Boys will be boys lol... me and pooba had a few arguments while we were there cuz he decided he wanted to be a complete ass hole... ignoring me, tellin me he wud do something in 1 min then I end up waiting 4-9hours... and if I ask him again he wud spaz at me.... then make it all seem like its all my fault... im pregnant with his child, my grammy died 2months ago my aunt died the 26th of june I found out on the 28th I was just going thru A LOT And he jus wanted to make things worser for me by bein dramatic and talkin shit and bein a childish douchebag... he didn't even try to understand at all. :'( ......anyway............. a bunch has changed all this time, me n my "uterine rent lady" had a small talk and we made an agreement to keep a roof over my head..... she wants army health insurance when we go... >.> im pretty annoyed about this as if shecudnt get her own it must b some crazy shit cuz she want some altering done on how she looks.... I said idk bout that.. So we jus been arguin back n forth over stupid shit... well they decided to move to another house seeing as to how all my friends think my family are drug dealers since we don't stay at 1 house/apartment for longer then 6months-1year... they found this big place 2 bedrooms 1 huge livingroom a sexii bathroom and a decent kitchen and a backyard... 1,250.00/month not including gas/electric/water now... it doesn't sound too bad for that amount...get a load of this: toilet don't work right it'll run water for an hour before u can flush again, tub doesn't drain, 1st week of us bein here the lights and electrical wiring is all fucked... backyard door was gently opened by mother that hadn't ate anything all day and the thing completely came apart, next to the backyard is a gas station and a 7eleven so trucks and all sorts of obnoxious people are yellin screamin blastin music all hours of the night, the first night I got there I hadn't ate anything all afternoon and evening so it hit 1am I went to the kitchen turned on the lights OMG GIGANTIC ROACHES Everywhere!!! No it wasn't waterbugs, shit was the size of my thumb I didn't evensee the kitchen anymore they covered the whole sink all over the floor tables cabinets it was soooo disgusting I haven't lived with roaches for a good 14 years of my life cuz we clean o d fucking crazy and we don't leave anything out, so whoever was living here before us was some nasty ass mother fuckers you shuda seen it it wasn't a kitchen anymore I thought I walked in to the roach cave they're everywhere I endedup stayin on the fone wit pooba til 4amwith the lights on and goin to sleep at 6am when the sun was bright enuff to say go hide to roaches -o-" I don't like thishouse its by far the nicest LOOKING place but shiitty as hell from the inside -_- perfect example of a fine as hell bitch but she dumb as fuck and can't/dunno how to do anything >.> seems like the longer we're here the more things break for literally no reason... now the old place in elmhurst we had was 1,300.00/month electricity/water is free pay for gas only u get 2 (1big and 1 medium sized) bedrooms 1 small bathroom and 1 mediumsized kitchen no livingroom no bug problems and EVERYTHING WORKED it looks like a bad place but everything worked for 50bucks more and free electricity, I dunno about u but 50bucks of electricty a month is a week or 2. So were basically payin more for a prettier LOOKING Place but doesn't work right... am I the one that sees this as a bad investment??? Them roaches the size of my thumb x_x" ughhh this whole place sux doors are made with unfinished wood aka splinterville x_x random holes on the floor ugh tlkin bout this place makes me angry cuz we usually make smart decisions but this is jus stupid... Anyway.. I feel fat and ugly >_< I can't help the ugly but I dun gotta be fat :D lose weight 101 hopefully everything goes ok with Minime :/ me and Pooba Anniversary coming up im gonna make him a big boy meal ;) lol and some other stuff.... ;) lolz we go through rough patches and more so when were stressed over bullshit then everything gets on our nerves but in the end we always end up in each others arms as much as we fight but at the end of the day we kno we love each other while wanting to choke each other out and that's how real relationships are cuz thinkin that you'll love everything about ur partner is unrealistic naive and stupid u will never find that and I never once thought bout liking everything bout a guy cuz its fun to fight with them over silly things sometimes make up sex ;) lol but not everything.. Anywayz... ill write more when I can :p
Love, MzGummiBear<3
Song Of The Moment: La La Land by Demi Lovato
Buncha shit been goin on lately... lets see... Goodbyes are awful :( Uncle Darren left on the 5th of July so that he can be back in Germany by monday 8am :( we all had a lot of fun while it lasted :) I dunno bout everyone else but I know I had some decent memories there and a ton of fun :) I was really sad that time was up so fast I do kinda hoped we wuda all spent more time together. Pooba said he's leaving in September I hope he stays motivated to do so... Uncle Darren don't come back til December 24. So where did I leave off last time....ok yea Chelly left on the 20th of June she had almost missed her flight lol... blondes *rolls eyes* lol.. I was pretty sad when she left :( no more girly feminine time lol im not very girly lol so I suppose she opened a door a bit of trying to look purdy since I normally don't do much maintenance when it comes to outer beauty most ill do is straighten my hair some more and some chapstick lol.. I don't like heels but I can manage I suppose (had a bet with pooba a while back bout heels lol I won ^_^ the bet was I cudnt last a whole day out side wearin heels and I won but I was pretty bitchy the whole time cuz I always wear sneakers lol.. But yea...) I've always been ashamed to be a girl cuz all the shit that goes on in a female its.... frustrating... lol... along with growin up how I did my folks wanted a boy and here I am not a boy I am still bein punished for it to this day... u might think it can't be that bad but if u knew it wud make u grateful for how u guys were brought up but I can't really complain bcuz there are others that got it worse then me so I always thank God that I at least have a roof over my head and food on the table. I am so grateful for that. As you learn more about me u will notice that im a very simple girl I love videogames but all I really need is a roof over my head, food on the table my Pooba and a decent job to keep me sane. Im not materialistic I don't like to hold on to material items im independant and I rarely ask for anything cept for love friendship and honesty. Im not perfect I am sarcastic a lot and I have a temper for slow thinkin people or slow moving people. I grew up alwaysbeing rushed even when im already 2 hours early im still bein rushed... im well mannered always polite til u push my buttons then I start cursing worser than a sailor ^_^ u will come to luv me ^_^ lol... I do think my brain is floatin about 80% of the time so I got my Pooba here, he keeps me more grounded but he's always pushing me to lighten up cuz im always serious when im stressed out... I know how to have a good time I can be outgoing when I wanna be but mostly im indoorsy I love to cook I been cooking since I was reallly young and as I grew up I took a shitloada classes to perfect my culinar arts :) I loove to host and I like being around close trusted people. I had a lot of bad shit happen to me growing up I wud like to think I've grown stronger from all that.. I draw paint sketch sing but im a horrible dancer cuz im shy and im too anal to even try.. Lol... but other then that im usually one of the guys and that's how I like it :) seeing as to how most females are jus weird with their ton of make up and stuff... but yea.. Back on topic... shortly after chelly went home she found outshes about 3-4 weeks preggo and the child is going to be named Riley Khali Samuell. LOL. But that's only if its a boy lol.. We was all pretty surprised that she was still preggo since she had to get her stomach pumped for doin rash things in the heat of the moment even if it was unbearable :( she really had us scared.... I met some new people, observed some interestly weird moments... Pooba and Uncle Darren was always pouncing each other and chasing each other lols. We all drank on 4th of July and they sang and acted stupid all night lol.. Boys will be boys lol... me and pooba had a few arguments while we were there cuz he decided he wanted to be a complete ass hole... ignoring me, tellin me he wud do something in 1 min then I end up waiting 4-9hours... and if I ask him again he wud spaz at me.... then make it all seem like its all my fault... im pregnant with his child, my grammy died 2months ago my aunt died the 26th of june I found out on the 28th I was just going thru A LOT And he jus wanted to make things worser for me by bein dramatic and talkin shit and bein a childish douchebag... he didn't even try to understand at all. :'( ......anyway............. a bunch has changed all this time, me n my "uterine rent lady" had a small talk and we made an agreement to keep a roof over my head..... she wants army health insurance when we go... >.> im pretty annoyed about this as if shecudnt get her own it must b some crazy shit cuz she want some altering done on how she looks.... I said idk bout that.. So we jus been arguin back n forth over stupid shit... well they decided to move to another house seeing as to how all my friends think my family are drug dealers since we don't stay at 1 house/apartment for longer then 6months-1year... they found this big place 2 bedrooms 1 huge livingroom a sexii bathroom and a decent kitchen and a backyard... 1,250.00/month not including gas/electric/water now... it doesn't sound too bad for that amount...get a load of this: toilet don't work right it'll run water for an hour before u can flush again, tub doesn't drain, 1st week of us bein here the lights and electrical wiring is all fucked... backyard door was gently opened by mother that hadn't ate anything all day and the thing completely came apart, next to the backyard is a gas station and a 7eleven so trucks and all sorts of obnoxious people are yellin screamin blastin music all hours of the night, the first night I got there I hadn't ate anything all afternoon and evening so it hit 1am I went to the kitchen turned on the lights OMG GIGANTIC ROACHES Everywhere!!! No it wasn't waterbugs, shit was the size of my thumb I didn't evensee the kitchen anymore they covered the whole sink all over the floor tables cabinets it was soooo disgusting I haven't lived with roaches for a good 14 years of my life cuz we clean o d fucking crazy and we don't leave anything out, so whoever was living here before us was some nasty ass mother fuckers you shuda seen it it wasn't a kitchen anymore I thought I walked in to the roach cave they're everywhere I endedup stayin on the fone wit pooba til 4amwith the lights on and goin to sleep at 6am when the sun was bright enuff to say go hide to roaches -o-" I don't like thishouse its by far the nicest LOOKING place but shiitty as hell from the inside -_- perfect example of a fine as hell bitch but she dumb as fuck and can't/dunno how to do anything >.> seems like the longer we're here the more things break for literally no reason... now the old place in elmhurst we had was 1,300.00/month electricity/water is free pay for gas only u get 2 (1big and 1 medium sized) bedrooms 1 small bathroom and 1 mediumsized kitchen no livingroom no bug problems and EVERYTHING WORKED it looks like a bad place but everything worked for 50bucks more and free electricity, I dunno about u but 50bucks of electricty a month is a week or 2. So were basically payin more for a prettier LOOKING Place but doesn't work right... am I the one that sees this as a bad investment??? Them roaches the size of my thumb x_x" ughhh this whole place sux doors are made with unfinished wood aka splinterville x_x random holes on the floor ugh tlkin bout this place makes me angry cuz we usually make smart decisions but this is jus stupid... Anyway.. I feel fat and ugly >_< I can't help the ugly but I dun gotta be fat :D lose weight 101 hopefully everything goes ok with Minime :/ me and Pooba Anniversary coming up im gonna make him a big boy meal ;) lol and some other stuff.... ;) lolz we go through rough patches and more so when were stressed over bullshit then everything gets on our nerves but in the end we always end up in each others arms as much as we fight but at the end of the day we kno we love each other while wanting to choke each other out and that's how real relationships are cuz thinkin that you'll love everything about ur partner is unrealistic naive and stupid u will never find that and I never once thought bout liking everything bout a guy cuz its fun to fight with them over silly things sometimes make up sex ;) lol but not everything.. Anywayz... ill write more when I can :p
Love, MzGummiBear<3
Song Of The Moment: La La Land by Demi Lovato
Friday, July 3, 2009
Infuriating Men, Empowering Women *sigh*
It Alright, Its okay By: Ashley Tisdale
i wish i was as empowering as she is... as much as i feel like i need to TAKE my respect cuz i dont feel it is given i cant jus walk away... he may not be the greatest guy but hes the best i feel like i can do... hence he gets away with a lot of shit... that i wouldnt normally let anyone one else EVER get away with.... so now lets get on to business blogging... life jus seems so excruciating lately with all the bullshit and drama. i dont feel any love from Pooba and im getting tired of him not treating me right. he spends all his time on the computer playing games and watching anime when he should be looking for jobs and not neglecting me. when i ask him to come spend time with me all i get is jus a minute and i end up waiting HOURS and hours.... we got into a fight today bcuz a few months ago we all told him to get a cell phone and he said "oh i dont feel like i need to get a cell" when me and his cousin get into disputes over the house phone and how it takes literally 3-5hours for me to get thru on the house phone and thats not fair to me cuz i always had a cellphone for him to reach me whenever and hes never there for me when i need him so u know Darren got him a cell phone, so now tell me how he dont charge his cellphone which makes no sense cuz he supposedly "fill out hundreds of applications" online for a job whereever it is he said he filled them out at and if his phone is CONSTANTLY off how is he gonna get hired??? his arguement was "only 2 people call me and i see these 2 people EVERYDAY" but if hes trying oh so hard to get a job like he says he is then it shouldnt matter who calls u or how many ppl got ur number u should have your fone on for the jobs to call u. he had a million excuses to back him up and he even got dirty with it. he said "Well i always tell u to keep your fone in the case so it dont get scratches and shit" and he jus got real dirty with it he was like "u didnt even buy the fone Darren did" so i said i do keep it in the case when im not inside and why does it even matter to u on me getting scratches on my fone wont stop the fone from ringing. i already paid Darren back for most of the cellphone so it shouldnt be any of your business. the fone is charged and it rings. what an asshole. he jus sat there and talked bout how im always lecturing him and how i am such a bother and how i have no right to say anything to him about anything or how he treats me cuz he thinks he treats me GREAT......... like wtf...? he treats me how ever he feels to treat me so if he assumes that the convo is headed in a direction that he knows is negative he flips out before giving me a chance to finish or explain... which makes the situation tons worse cuz now im wondering why hes so defensive so quick and he is very suspicious when he does this. if he werent hiding anything he wouldnt get defensive so damn fast nor would he spaz out at me raising his voice at me and such. so basically i got tired of trying to explain myself cuz his stubborn ass dont understand why he needs to have his fone charged and on at all for that matter cuz we all know people pay for your fone so it can sit there and collect dust..... i got tired of explaining myself i got tired of his excuses i told him to gimme my metrocard back and im leaving him he handed it to me and i walked away it hurt me so much but i feel that i need my respect and since he wont give me my respect i need to show him im being serious... so as i walk away i almost got ran over by a yellow cabbie... >.<" i got on the phone with chelly for 9mins exact and i told her what had happened i was so infuriated bcuz i was just making a point that would help him get a job that he says he is so desperately trying to get. i mean what job can u possibly get with ur phone turned off and they only know how to contact u thru the phone number he gave them. it also didn't help that i wanted to call my mom even tho i got my own phone for some reason the *67 number block doesn't work on the sidekick for some reason.. there's a LONG story behind why i don't like my mother i in fact hate her a lot.... she stole plenty from me shes a greedy fucking bitch that doesn't deserve shit and I'm not getting into all that... I'm not an ingrate cuz if u knew the whole story behind her devilishness u would think twice about this world and all the people in it... yea it is THAT BAD... anyways... so after i got off the phone with chelly i started to walk and try to calm down and basically i spent all afternoon trying to find him.... he said he wanted to go to the book store and he didnt go... i waited at the bookstore for him for 3hours... i kept replaying in my mind thathe would just walk into the bookstore and sit next to me and nudge me to get my attention... lol.. im such an idiot sap shut up lol... cuz that whole time i was walking and thinkin for 2hours walking to the bookstore i kept thinking wow.. this must be the stupidest reason for someone to fight over a stupid phone.... im an ass... but i do have a valid point... sometimes i think back to all the fights i ever had with him and i think about why we fight and what we fought over and how it all went down and i have come to the conclusion that 97% of the time i spend more time arguing to explain my point across cuz i dont feel like hes listeninng where as 3% is arguing over whos right and whos wrong.. which isnt bad seeing as to most couples argue over whos right and whos wrong and thats jus really childish and i cant stand arguing over bullshit i have no patience for stupid fights that all started over nothing important towards anything i feel that is beneath us... petty shits u know stuff of that sorts... but i jus really wished he would listen to me i dont ask much of him i am not materialistic i dont ask him to buy me anything or do anything outrageous i am very simple i jus want to love and be loved but with fairness its jus realllllly infuriating when we fight over and over and all i hear is the same excuses over and over and hes not getting my point and im jus tryin to make everything easier for the both of us cuz i dont have anything to gain from any of this i jus dont understand... cuz i got a shit load of guys girls whatevers trying to get at me with cars their own apartments lots of money and all sorts of shit but i dont care about any of that i mean i do want a car and a place away from my blood/moneythirsty family but i dont want it to be jus handed to me i wanna work my way up from nothing to having everything with someone cuz to me its not about getting it its about the adventure on my way there. thats what its ALL about with me. like i play a videogame called Ragnarok Online where i gotta level up a class to level 99 and for most people the Priest class is SUPER difficult i dont agree though. i have 8 High Priests, it and it wasnt the fact of me having 8 bcuz each one has its own story behind it i made each one from nothing to now having millions of zeny in the game like its not about getting it cuz if it were i would jus buy someone elses account and change the names but to me its all about the adventure and all the fun i had on my way to level 99. same goes for real life. i dont want someone to jus hand me a million bucks a car a house i want to work my way up since i got nothing now and someday have everything in this 2 person party us having everything and then us looking back and laughing about it or just u know going down memory lane and appreciating everything yea thats the word APPRECIATING. cuz when everything is jus given to u u dont quite appreciate it all. well all i can say for today is at the end of the night i found Pooba and we talked and idk whats going to happen from there but i hope he grows up instead of going in the same route we been going on which isnt too gravy...
i wish i was as empowering as she is... as much as i feel like i need to TAKE my respect cuz i dont feel it is given i cant jus walk away... he may not be the greatest guy but hes the best i feel like i can do... hence he gets away with a lot of shit... that i wouldnt normally let anyone one else EVER get away with.... so now lets get on to business blogging... life jus seems so excruciating lately with all the bullshit and drama. i dont feel any love from Pooba and im getting tired of him not treating me right. he spends all his time on the computer playing games and watching anime when he should be looking for jobs and not neglecting me. when i ask him to come spend time with me all i get is jus a minute and i end up waiting HOURS and hours.... we got into a fight today bcuz a few months ago we all told him to get a cell phone and he said "oh i dont feel like i need to get a cell" when me and his cousin get into disputes over the house phone and how it takes literally 3-5hours for me to get thru on the house phone and thats not fair to me cuz i always had a cellphone for him to reach me whenever and hes never there for me when i need him so u know Darren got him a cell phone, so now tell me how he dont charge his cellphone which makes no sense cuz he supposedly "fill out hundreds of applications" online for a job whereever it is he said he filled them out at and if his phone is CONSTANTLY off how is he gonna get hired??? his arguement was "only 2 people call me and i see these 2 people EVERYDAY" but if hes trying oh so hard to get a job like he says he is then it shouldnt matter who calls u or how many ppl got ur number u should have your fone on for the jobs to call u. he had a million excuses to back him up and he even got dirty with it. he said "Well i always tell u to keep your fone in the case so it dont get scratches and shit" and he jus got real dirty with it he was like "u didnt even buy the fone Darren did" so i said i do keep it in the case when im not inside and why does it even matter to u on me getting scratches on my fone wont stop the fone from ringing. i already paid Darren back for most of the cellphone so it shouldnt be any of your business. the fone is charged and it rings. what an asshole. he jus sat there and talked bout how im always lecturing him and how i am such a bother and how i have no right to say anything to him about anything or how he treats me cuz he thinks he treats me GREAT......... like wtf...? he treats me how ever he feels to treat me so if he assumes that the convo is headed in a direction that he knows is negative he flips out before giving me a chance to finish or explain... which makes the situation tons worse cuz now im wondering why hes so defensive so quick and he is very suspicious when he does this. if he werent hiding anything he wouldnt get defensive so damn fast nor would he spaz out at me raising his voice at me and such. so basically i got tired of trying to explain myself cuz his stubborn ass dont understand why he needs to have his fone charged and on at all for that matter cuz we all know people pay for your fone so it can sit there and collect dust..... i got tired of explaining myself i got tired of his excuses i told him to gimme my metrocard back and im leaving him he handed it to me and i walked away it hurt me so much but i feel that i need my respect and since he wont give me my respect i need to show him im being serious... so as i walk away i almost got ran over by a yellow cabbie... >.<" i got on the phone with chelly for 9mins exact and i told her what had happened i was so infuriated bcuz i was just making a point that would help him get a job that he says he is so desperately trying to get. i mean what job can u possibly get with ur phone turned off and they only know how to contact u thru the phone number he gave them. it also didn't help that i wanted to call my mom even tho i got my own phone for some reason the *67 number block doesn't work on the sidekick for some reason.. there's a LONG story behind why i don't like my mother i in fact hate her a lot.... she stole plenty from me shes a greedy fucking bitch that doesn't deserve shit and I'm not getting into all that... I'm not an ingrate cuz if u knew the whole story behind her devilishness u would think twice about this world and all the people in it... yea it is THAT BAD... anyways... so after i got off the phone with chelly i started to walk and try to calm down and basically i spent all afternoon trying to find him.... he said he wanted to go to the book store and he didnt go... i waited at the bookstore for him for 3hours... i kept replaying in my mind thathe would just walk into the bookstore and sit next to me and nudge me to get my attention... lol.. im such an idiot sap shut up lol... cuz that whole time i was walking and thinkin for 2hours walking to the bookstore i kept thinking wow.. this must be the stupidest reason for someone to fight over a stupid phone.... im an ass... but i do have a valid point... sometimes i think back to all the fights i ever had with him and i think about why we fight and what we fought over and how it all went down and i have come to the conclusion that 97% of the time i spend more time arguing to explain my point across cuz i dont feel like hes listeninng where as 3% is arguing over whos right and whos wrong.. which isnt bad seeing as to most couples argue over whos right and whos wrong and thats jus really childish and i cant stand arguing over bullshit i have no patience for stupid fights that all started over nothing important towards anything i feel that is beneath us... petty shits u know stuff of that sorts... but i jus really wished he would listen to me i dont ask much of him i am not materialistic i dont ask him to buy me anything or do anything outrageous i am very simple i jus want to love and be loved but with fairness its jus realllllly infuriating when we fight over and over and all i hear is the same excuses over and over and hes not getting my point and im jus tryin to make everything easier for the both of us cuz i dont have anything to gain from any of this i jus dont understand... cuz i got a shit load of guys girls whatevers trying to get at me with cars their own apartments lots of money and all sorts of shit but i dont care about any of that i mean i do want a car and a place away from my blood/moneythirsty family but i dont want it to be jus handed to me i wanna work my way up from nothing to having everything with someone cuz to me its not about getting it its about the adventure on my way there. thats what its ALL about with me. like i play a videogame called Ragnarok Online where i gotta level up a class to level 99 and for most people the Priest class is SUPER difficult i dont agree though. i have 8 High Priests, it and it wasnt the fact of me having 8 bcuz each one has its own story behind it i made each one from nothing to now having millions of zeny in the game like its not about getting it cuz if it were i would jus buy someone elses account and change the names but to me its all about the adventure and all the fun i had on my way to level 99. same goes for real life. i dont want someone to jus hand me a million bucks a car a house i want to work my way up since i got nothing now and someday have everything in this 2 person party us having everything and then us looking back and laughing about it or just u know going down memory lane and appreciating everything yea thats the word APPRECIATING. cuz when everything is jus given to u u dont quite appreciate it all. well all i can say for today is at the end of the night i found Pooba and we talked and idk whats going to happen from there but i hope he grows up instead of going in the same route we been going on which isnt too gravy...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
All Alone
i've been super stressed out lately with all the arguements and fighting, im sad my friend Chelly went back to Tx.... icing on the cake of this whole thing would be my favorite aunt died on Friday and they buried her today from a freak car accident no one told me anything bout it. all i heard was something about head on collision which i dont understand how that could possibly happen on a 2way street if both parties are on the right side... August 10, 1968- June 26, 2009 Rest in peace May, i love u even tho we didnt always see each other. my mom would always separate us cuz i used to look up to her so much bcuz she was so girly and mom &dad wanted a boy so we couldnt see each other as much. i didnt have that many people in my blood family that "loved" me cuz everyone else was too fucking busy treating me like their servant child. May used to live with us when i was growing up shewas there since i was born. she would take me to thee park across the street in Eldridge St. chinatown and she bought me my first tricycle until dad threw it out cuz he said he never got one when he was growing up so i dont deserve one. even tho thru the years we grew apart and i didnt always agree with her choices since her ex-husband used to molest me when i was 8... i never changed how much i loved her. they didnt last long since he broke into her safeand took her information, a shitload of gold that was given to her thru the years and a shitload of money she had saved up. they had a baby together and he stole everything. i feel so alone everyone keeps leaving me. i only had 3 people to love me in my whole blood family line and theyre jus about all gone... my grammy died bout 2 months ago she used to live with us too back in that tiny apartment in 69 Eldridge st #4 ny ny 10002 haha i still remember the address cuz i remember i had to write it over and over when i was in 1st grade... until i moved... my grammy always loved me best out of the 11 children she had only 7 made it and now only 5 are alive that those 7 all had children and of all those grandkids she has she loved me most. she taught me everything i am today from the language of the homeland Fu Zhou, China to chibonics.. (chinese ebonics lol..) and then theres 1 cousin that i grew up with sorta my parents tried to keep us apart but shes always been there for me when i needed her but our circumstances keep a distance between us but whatever... so 2 are gone only 1 left in family blood bonds... as for everything else its only a matter of time before Pooba leaves too... i feel so abandoned and neglected... :( i feel like God hates me and hes targetting me... me and pooba got into an arguement today... we had made plans to go to the supermarket and he abandoned me cuz someone said something he was like oh u expect me to wait around for u to come back noope i dont but why did u make plans with me then that dont make any sense... i dont feel the love one bit he shows me love whenever he feels good and ready... and im not with that.... i got no home to go back to seeing as to some stranger took over my room and its a reallllllllly small house. i feel hopeless and i for one feel completely alone cuz im trying to get a job to get out of my situation but Pooba dont even seem to be trying at all... he'll fill out 1-2 applications then tell me he filled out 100000000 but meh.... its not my life but he could at least jus upgrade himself some new clothes and shit... anyways... i think the world is picking on me... hey lets see how much shit she takes before she slits her throat :-D! joy...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tips for making a relationship work From TV host Dr. Phil
Tips for making a relationship work from tv host Dr. Phil
•The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
•You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
•If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.
•Forget whether you're right or wrong. The question is: Is what you're doing working or not working?
•There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing.
•Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.
•You don't fix things by fixing your partner.
•Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.
•You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.
•Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.
•You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules.
this is kinda true but its not proven to work. I've been in a relationship with this guy for 3+ years and no matter how i speak up on how i feel i should be treated it doesn't always work that way. He simply doesn't listen and will start spazing out the second he nears anything that might lead to a negative outcome BEFORE it even happens and we all know when u start freaking out before we even get a chance to ask then we get more suspicious about EVERYTHING that we wasnt even suspicious about before. cuz like why are u spazzing out? what r u hiding?? communication goes bothways if both parties dont communicate then we not getting anywhere at all if only one person is talking then its not gonna work. some people are stubborn as hell so u can sit there and talk and talk and talk but they wont be listening and the silent treatments ugh!!!!! yea.... the giving? omg we as females are always giving and giving ive always gave him everything and he cant do simple things for me like it doesnt even make sense yes im men bashing men are soooo frustrating!!!!! all they do is make u angry and all worked up upset annoyed and they act like they dont have a care in the world AT ALL!!! they'll sit there and watch u cry bcuz they made u cry and its perfectly ok for them to scream and raise their voice at u but when u do it its never ok all these double standards UGH!!!!! men...... i dont even know what to do with him cant live with em cant live without em... he needs to get a JOB!!!... grrrrr.. its so frustrating... hes always like oh i wanna marry u i want u to have my last name bear my children live together la la la but hes not showing any strives towards getting a job and saving up for it. he says it cause i dont keep a job for more than 3 months. well excuse me but if u only keep a job for 3 weeks 1 time a year and i get random jobs all year long for not longer than 3months whos that bad on? its like im still trying to figure out what i wanna do im still trying to make it but u ur jus sitting home doing nothing playing videogames and sleeping u expect me to always take care of u but ur not willing to do anything to help out. your idea of helping out is doing dishes. and nothing more. >:O! hes usually always lying to me so i don't really trust him too much but I'm trying to get better with that just like he "says" hes getting better with telling the truth but i shouldn't have to ask him for things i should already have : honesty, respect, communication. like the communication can always get better or worse but i expect at least some decent amount of communication i shouldn't have to sit there and guess oh whats he thinking but at the same time I'm not gonna like expect u to tell me EVERYTHING like u pooping how it looked how that felt like ew? I'm a very simple girl. i like video games i like to be independent, have fun, and i like to show my man all the love he could possibly want or need. i don't expect u to get me shit take me anywhere but do at least get a job to better yourself just cuz u don't see me working 24/7 or all the time doesn't mean u gotta sit there nd not better yourself. it makes no sense. I'm tired of arguing with him over it I'm tired of feeling unappreciated so if it happens it happens... if not then... i dunno... So anyways my family ain't shit i had been staying with Darren n Chelly at their suite with Pooba for a few days at a time, and i feel like there's a shitloada tension and drama that's going to go down, all the secrets and the lies that's within here and everywhere. i feel so confused and frustrated. For once i feel not so depressed bcuz i don't have my "family" dragging me down making me feel useless and like I'm ugly and the fattest girl ever just cuz i got titties and a ass they think that pretty is skin and bones and mosquito bites for titties >.>" i dont wanna look anorexic. they been doing me wrong for years now from stealing from me to throwing my stuff away to trying to kill me... im sooooo serious... so i dont want anything to do with them i just want to get my own place and never see them ever again. i fear my dreams are really further from my grasp then i think it is since i live in nyc shits all super expensive like crazy.. i wish everything would jus fall into place... ive worked soo hard for toooo long to keep landing flat on my ugly face like i been doing all this time... GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! i jus feel so damn hopeless... and with everything going on i feel so...suicidal... all i keep hearing is empty promises im tired of it all... i hate my life :'(
•The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
•You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
•If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.
•Forget whether you're right or wrong. The question is: Is what you're doing working or not working?
•There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing.
•Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.
•You don't fix things by fixing your partner.
•Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.
•You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.
•Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.
•You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules.
this is kinda true but its not proven to work. I've been in a relationship with this guy for 3+ years and no matter how i speak up on how i feel i should be treated it doesn't always work that way. He simply doesn't listen and will start spazing out the second he nears anything that might lead to a negative outcome BEFORE it even happens and we all know when u start freaking out before we even get a chance to ask then we get more suspicious about EVERYTHING that we wasnt even suspicious about before. cuz like why are u spazzing out? what r u hiding?? communication goes bothways if both parties dont communicate then we not getting anywhere at all if only one person is talking then its not gonna work. some people are stubborn as hell so u can sit there and talk and talk and talk but they wont be listening and the silent treatments ugh!!!!! yea.... the giving? omg we as females are always giving and giving ive always gave him everything and he cant do simple things for me like it doesnt even make sense yes im men bashing men are soooo frustrating!!!!! all they do is make u angry and all worked up upset annoyed and they act like they dont have a care in the world AT ALL!!! they'll sit there and watch u cry bcuz they made u cry and its perfectly ok for them to scream and raise their voice at u but when u do it its never ok all these double standards UGH!!!!! men...... i dont even know what to do with him cant live with em cant live without em... he needs to get a JOB!!!... grrrrr.. its so frustrating... hes always like oh i wanna marry u i want u to have my last name bear my children live together la la la but hes not showing any strives towards getting a job and saving up for it. he says it cause i dont keep a job for more than 3 months. well excuse me but if u only keep a job for 3 weeks 1 time a year and i get random jobs all year long for not longer than 3months whos that bad on? its like im still trying to figure out what i wanna do im still trying to make it but u ur jus sitting home doing nothing playing videogames and sleeping u expect me to always take care of u but ur not willing to do anything to help out. your idea of helping out is doing dishes. and nothing more. >:O! hes usually always lying to me so i don't really trust him too much but I'm trying to get better with that just like he "says" hes getting better with telling the truth but i shouldn't have to ask him for things i should already have : honesty, respect, communication. like the communication can always get better or worse but i expect at least some decent amount of communication i shouldn't have to sit there and guess oh whats he thinking but at the same time I'm not gonna like expect u to tell me EVERYTHING like u pooping how it looked how that felt like ew? I'm a very simple girl. i like video games i like to be independent, have fun, and i like to show my man all the love he could possibly want or need. i don't expect u to get me shit take me anywhere but do at least get a job to better yourself just cuz u don't see me working 24/7 or all the time doesn't mean u gotta sit there nd not better yourself. it makes no sense. I'm tired of arguing with him over it I'm tired of feeling unappreciated so if it happens it happens... if not then... i dunno... So anyways my family ain't shit i had been staying with Darren n Chelly at their suite with Pooba for a few days at a time, and i feel like there's a shitloada tension and drama that's going to go down, all the secrets and the lies that's within here and everywhere. i feel so confused and frustrated. For once i feel not so depressed bcuz i don't have my "family" dragging me down making me feel useless and like I'm ugly and the fattest girl ever just cuz i got titties and a ass they think that pretty is skin and bones and mosquito bites for titties >.>" i dont wanna look anorexic. they been doing me wrong for years now from stealing from me to throwing my stuff away to trying to kill me... im sooooo serious... so i dont want anything to do with them i just want to get my own place and never see them ever again. i fear my dreams are really further from my grasp then i think it is since i live in nyc shits all super expensive like crazy.. i wish everything would jus fall into place... ive worked soo hard for toooo long to keep landing flat on my ugly face like i been doing all this time... GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! i jus feel so damn hopeless... and with everything going on i feel so...suicidal... all i keep hearing is empty promises im tired of it all... i hate my life :'(
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